Leaders leading leaders

 

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself in various conversations with several friends, most of whom are currently leading companies or large teams and the topic of “Leaders leading leaders” keeps coming up.  In one of those conversations, I was asked if I had written an essay on this topic, and if so, could I shoot it over.  After a quick check of the 285 essays that are up online (hard to imagine that I am creeping up on 300!!) while I have covered the topic of “Leadership” a ton, I have NEVER explicitly talked about the unique reality/responsibility of “Leaders leading leaders.”  As one grows in their career, you often start as an individual contributor, having your personal impact in your assigned role, building skills and understanding about the role, the organization, etc.  Over time, you might be promoted to a team leader… leading individual contributors and starting to build your craft as a leader.  The reality is with success, team leaders advance and start becoming leaders of larger teams, departments or organizations and ultimately starting to become “leaders of leaders.”  This dynamic is a crucial and important step and is often fraught with challenge and often failure… I hope that the following three ideas/concepts may help you navigate this career progression step with grace and impact.

Looking back over my archive of essays on leadership, there are three that I want to utilize as foundational to the idea of being successful as a “leader of leaders.”

Authenticity: The foundation of a leader.  Let’s go back to 2009 and the lessons from my old boss from Kimberly-Clark, Bruce Paynter.  Bruce was diagnosed with ALS in 2008, and I have the chance, and the honor to spend a lot of time with him and his family in 2009 up until his passing that July.  Bruce had a huge impact on me when I worked for him in the mid 80’s and those months/weeks and days I had with him before he passed are still fresh for me and alive with insights.  Just a few weeks before he passed, I was in a hospice facility with him, and he wanted to talk about this idea… that “Authenticity” was the foundation of a successful leader.  You can read more about that moment in the essay from 2009 (https://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2009/06/authenticity-foundation-of-leadership.html) but in my experience, this idea is so deeply true.  First and foremost, as a leader YOU need to work hard on YOUR authenticity… ensuring that your words and actions are aligned along the “rail of authenticity” that Bruce described.  Then, and only then, can you help your direct reports who are leaders find THEIR own authentic voice, help them align their words and actions closer to the “rail of authenticity, helping them with the work of being open and authentic broadly to their organizations.

Leader as teacher:  Over my 40-year career (another “hard to believe” number) I have had the chance to work with some very impactful and inspiring leaders across organizations… and this lesson comes from a former CEO of The Coca- Cola Company… Neville Isdell.  In 2004 as he returned to the company, he led an effort that he called “The Manifesto for Growth,” working to re-energize the company and the broader global bottling system into a period or rejuvenation and “growth!”  I had the chance to be part of that process, working with about 100 other Coke execs from across the globe… it was an intense, exhausting and energizing ( yes those two ideas go together) process; the output was excellent and very productive.  In one specific session, Neville pushed us as leaders to not wait to be told what to do… but to have a unique point of view.  He stopped himself in mid-sentence… correcting himself to say no, not just a point of view… I need leaders who have a “teachable point of view!!!”  you can read more here (https://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2009/05/teachable-point-of-view.html) but this idea of “leaders as teachers” is the second concept that I want to highlight.  As you grow in your career, wanting to have a broader and stronger impact, your role as a leader is actually limited by your physical capacity for output if you think of yourself as a singular communication point.  If you think of your leadership model as a teacher… touching/teaching/impacting a multitude around you it allows your impact to grow exponentially…. Especially if you start affecting the leaders around you to be “teachers” as well.

Three impact points of leadership: My final concept to help “Leaders of leaders” is based on a very simple principle depicted here.  

  The idea that as a leader you are ALWAYS working the “three impact points” (https://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2009/03/three-impact-points-of-leadership.html) but they are not always in this order!  Sometimes focusing more on inspiration, sometimes more on education, sometimes more on direction.  An effective leader is ALWAYS toggling this triangle and rethinking each of the impact points for every interaction.  “Leaders of leaders” do this on two levels… in one vector you are approaching your team, your reports and your organization and determining the focus areas and the needed alignment of the three impact points.  You are also helping your direct reports who are leaders think through THEIR use of the three impact points…. THEIR approach to THEIR teams… coaching them on ways to “inspire/educate/direct” that are authentic for THEM!!

 

As “leaders of leaders,” I hope you can use these three ideas with your teams.  As I reflect across my career, I often go back to these three concepts (Authenticity/ Leader as teacher/Three impact points of leadership) as foundational lessons for me as a leader … and core ideas that help me be a better “Leader of leaders.”  My hope is that these ideas are helpful to you and that you can bring them to life so that they are productive for you and your organizations today!

 

"Authenticity"... the 2023 word of the year!

The following clip from the BBC hit my feed earlier today, and now more that ever it seems VERY appropriate…

 

Merriam-Webster has picked its word of the year - and it's legit. 

"Authentic" is the top word of 2023, according to America's oldest dictionary.

Merriam-Webster said it saw a "substantial increase" in online searches for it this year. 

The interest was "driven by stories and conversations about AI [artificial intelligence], celebrity culture, identity, and social media", the dictionary publisher said. 

One reason many people search for the word is because it has a number of meanings, including "not false or imitation" and also "true to one's own personality, spirit, or character". 

"Although clearly a desirable quality, 'authentic' is hard to define and subject to debate," Merriam-Webster said. 

The publisher added that the popularity of the word, which had been highly searched in the US in the past, grew this year as "the line between 'real' and 'fake'" became increasingly blurred.

 

“Authenticity” is a concept or actually a principle that I have focused on numerous times across the 250+ essays that I have posted on-line.  I have always considered “Authenticity” a foundational principal for leaders, and my experiences in 2009 around the passing of my first boss, Bruce Paynter, provide vivid memories that I reflect on often today.  After battling ALS for months, he was nearing his passing, and I had the chance/honor to spend a few days with him at a hospice center.  Across that time together, we had three deep profound conversations, one centering around this idea of “Authenticity.”  He deeply felt that “Authenticity” was the foundation for leadership, and successful, effective leaders.  We talked for hours about this idea, comparing notes on business leaders we both knew, and talked about what made some effective and others ineffective and we kept coming around to this concept… “Authentic” leaders were effective and impactful leaders…. period.

 

Bruce had me draw a grid… his “grid of authenticity” … that had “Words” and “Actions” identified on each axis, and “+” and “-“ symbols at the ends of each axis.  In his mind… his definition…an “authentic” leader needed to ensure that their “Words” and “Actions” we aligned.  He had be draw a line from top right (positive “words” and “actions”) to the bottom left of the grid (negative “words” and “actions”) and he called this his “rail of authenticity.”  Effective leaders operated as close to the “rail” as possible, working to have their “words” and “actions” as aligned as possible.

 

As I sit here, writing this essay 14+ years later, I still remember that time in the hospice center and those powerful conversations.  In reflection, I think back on the discussion highlighted above and am deeply moved and strengthened by the TRUTH that Bruce’s “rail” is deeply true and has been a model that I have tried to embody in my personal and professional lives.  Let Merriam-Webtser’s “top word of 2023” be a driver for you… and a reminder that we all need to focus on our “words” and our “actions and find ways to come closer to “Bruce’s rail!”

p.s.  here is the link to the original essay that I wrote just a few days after that fateful "authentic" conversation back in 2009... take a look.  https://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2009/06/authenticity-foundation-of-leadership.html

p.p.s. the pic above is from a flipchart in my office ... the product of a recent conversation with a young leader on our team ... the "legacy of Bruce" still active in Bakersfield in 2023!

 

Ten years later.... Bruce Paynter's legacy is alive and pushing me forward!

Its hard to imagine that ten years ago the week, my good friend and old boss passed away after his fight with the disease, ALS.  It was a unique and complicated/challenging time, and I view it as a real treasure of my life that I was able to spend a lot of time with Bruce in the months and weeks before his passing.  The stories, the little interactions, the funny moments of those times together all add up to an unusual collage of remembrance and lessons... many of which I have passed along in previous essays and a few that I will share as easy links in the following paragraphs.

Since Bruce's passing, I have shared his story not just through this blog but with groups of folks in retreats and presentations that I have lead at Bolthouse Farms or with a number of my consulting clients.   Hundreds of folks who never knew Bruce up in Appleton Wisconsin have come to know his humor, his insights and his wisdom primarily through the stories of those days I had with him in the spring and early summer of 2009.

While many of his stories hit home,  the video above that he made for the folks at Kimberly-Clark has been a keepsake of mine for the past ten years.   I keep it on my laptop desktop and rewatch it regularly, especially when I feel that I need a little nudge from my friend Bruce!   Another story  that has really triggered a lot of attention is his view of "Authenticity, the Foundation of Leadership." This specific story, and the related chart reviewed in the essay has really connected to a wide range of folks across roles and work environments.  The idea that "authentic leaders" have the greatest organizational impact and Bruce's view that the basis of authenticity is the alignment of a leaders "words and actions!"  Staying on the "authenticity rail" is a  significant concept in this area and I have watched it really connect to executives in their own leadership journeys over the past ten years.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

"Authenticity", the Foundation of Leadership

Last week I had the chance, the fortune, to spend a few days with my friend Bruce who has ALS.  I have written about him before, see the entry "Always pursue the Truth";  and while his disease is taking it's expected, unrelenting course, my time with him was precious.  Over the course of a day or so, we had the chance to have some amazing conversations which ranged widely over topics that Bruce wanted to talk about.  There were three conversations though that have stayed with me, that have affected me deeply, and over the course of the next few weeks I am going to write about all three.  The following is one that has to do with "Authenticity" and "Leadership".

As I commented on in earlier entries, Bruce was my first boss out of business school and proceeded to have a very significant career at a major, publicly traded, consumer products company.  He held a number of senior executive roles across his career and had the responsibility and accountability for a multi-billion dollar business and a large organization in his last role.  I am not sure what prompted him during my last visit, but somewhat out of the blue, Bruce brought up the topic of "Leadership" and asked me what I thought about "Authenticity" as a leadership characteristic.  Rather than diving into a rambling "sermonette" of my opinions on the subject, I had the good sense to ask Bruce what he thought about this idea of "Authenticity" in a leadership context.  Even with his voice restricted by a respirator, he started to talk about "Authenticity" as a critical variable in leaders.  That organizations knew immediately whether their leader was being "Authentic" or not .  In those moments of "Authenticity" , Bruce felt that organizations trusted their leaders dramatically more than when there were impressions of Leadership "Inauthenticity".

I asked Bruce how he evaluated/measured "Authenticity".  His comments rang true to my experience, but I was having a hard time trying to figure out how you might evaluate/assess this characteristic.  He said very simply, "alignment between words and actions".  He talked about an executive that he worked closely with who "talked a good game" about caring for and being focused on his team; but his actions showed that he really cared for and was focused on himself.  A clear example of misalignment between words and actions... a clear example of a lack of "Leadership Authenticity."As a result,  the organization doesn't and probably won't trust this leader very well.  Obviously a limiter to performance. In many  ways it would have been better for everyone, including the broader organization, if the executive in the example wasn't trying to portray an image that was so different from who he really is.  

Since returning home, I found an old article from 1997 written by Kevin Cashman, titled "Authentic Leadership".  The following is a quote from the article that articulates Bruce's point well:  

The foundation of leadership is authenticity. How do we go about expressing ourselves more authentically?  I constantly challenge clients to ask, “Where is my leadership coming from?”  Do our actions originate from deep within ourselves, or are they coming from a more superficial, limited place?  Is our leadership arising from our character, the essence of who we are?  Or is it only coming from our persona, the external personality we’ve created to cope with life circumstances.

As I mentioned above , I am not sure what prompted Bruce to want to talk about this topic; but I have always found Bruce to be an amazingly "Authentic" person, friend, and boss.  This conversation gave me more to think about regarding the alignment of my words and actions, my "Leadership Authenticity". I hope that it might be a trigger for you too!

I sincerely miss Bruce and would love to have his available today as I dive into my new role as President of Bolthouse Farms Brands.  I could really use his good humored "push/nudge," his encouragement for me to go beyond my limited current thinking and find key insights for future performance.  As I reflects on the picture above of his grave in a lovely cemetery near the river in Appleton, I am once again reminded of his lessons for me today!!  Take a close look and you will see one of Bruce's constant quotes "Always pursue the truth..." on the bottom of the cemetery marker.  I can literally hear those words in my ears today, from 30+ years ago when I was a marketing assistant at Kimberly-Clark, working for Bruce, when I brought him some sort of analysis that was not quite finished and he would send me back to my cube with those words ringing in my ears.  While certainly appropriate then, with is very applicable for me today!  The business I have just jumped back into is in decline, and with lots of challenges across the board and a cursory review of the facts.... "the truth" will not cut it!  I need to listen to Bruce's advice today and push my company to dig deeper, search harder and "always pursue the truth" as we clarify the road ahead.

A ten year memory and salute to my friend and mentor.... Bruce Paynter!!

Our Actions Betray our Intent

Our Actions Betray our Intent

I have been thinking about this topic for a number of years, and recently in my consulting practice, I have had a series of conversations with a number of clients/leaders across varied industries, organizations and roles where this theme continues to resonate.  The dynamic of an organization or a leader’s “words” communicating one set of “truth” (no “alt facts” reference intended) and that same organization’s/leader’s “actions” communicating a different “truth” is pervasive and damaging to organizations broadly.  While the “disconnect” between the “words” and “actions” is debilitating, I want to suggest that in today’s business and political climate, we must be reminded that our actions betray our intent, not our words.

Looking over past essays, you can see that I have found my way to this topic before and it continues to be an issue, and may be a growing one across our landscape today.  Back in 2014, I commented on a discussion with a work associate where this “words/actions disconnect” was front and center.  You can read more in the essay “Watch the Feet,” at http://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2014/05/over-past-few-months-i-have-found.html.  While the dynamic is common, I am coming to a point of view that the leaders who are actively engaged in this “disconnection” are fooling themselves to think that they are somehow being effective, impactful leaders with this behavior.  Maybe we have become too jaded or cynical with all the “spin,” and “talking points,” with people being trained to “stay on message” at all cost; but I suggest that broadly individuals are looking past the “spin” and watching the actual actions to understand the true intent of a leader or organization.

A living example of this is happening currently in the summer of 2017 with an impending headcount reduction at major corporation headquartered here in Atlanta.  The new CEO has described these job eliminations as a way to “ help us do fewer things better and help us support our operating units” as a “more lean and focused corporate center.”  While the “words” tell one story, the reality is that the company is struggling to grow, with the stock price at the same split adjusted price as 19 years ago, and  the company needs to cut costs dramatically in order to achieve its profit targets; thus is eliminating 1200 +/- jobs in its corporate headquarters staff  of 5500, a 22% reduction.  While the reality is harsh, it is more the “truth” of the moment rather than some “process improvement” initiative to make the corporate workplace more streamlined and efficient … the actions betray the intent!

Closing with a word of inspiration from my old boss Bruce Paynter, leaders and organizations can be amazing and powerful when their words and actions actually align!  In one of my last conversations with Bruce, he talked to me about the importance and impact of authenticity in leaders and how organizations watch leaders carefully to “see” the alignment of their words and actions.  You can find that essay at, http://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2009/06/authenticity-foundation-of-leadership.html.  This need to stay “on the rail” where one’s words and actions are aligned is vital to all of us as we seek to have a positive impact on our teams/organizations/clients/families/etc. in the short run, and leave a legacy that we will be proud of in the long run!  Let’s work to “stay on the rail” of alignment and allow our actions and words (hopefully highly aligned) “betray our intent” regularly and positively!

Postscript: regardless of your political orientation, we need to hold all elected officials and candidates to a higher standard in this area.  We as members of the electorate cannot become “numb” to the massive disconnect and misalignment between “words and actions” that is pervasive on all sides of the political spectrum today.  Not only is it damaging in any specific election, it weakens the strength of our democracy in the long run!

The "Treasure" of old friends

Last week I went on one of my “pilgrimages” back to Appleton Wisconsin, where I began by career when I went to work as a young marketer at Kimberly Clark in 1985. As is my way, I visited a number of my “old haunts,” including Jacobs Market (a magnificent butcher shop), City Park (across the street from my old apartment) and the campus of Lawrence University (where my wife Jennie lived and worked as a dorm director the year before we were married.) While the sights, smells and tastes of my quick visit all hit home, nothing was more significant than the visits I had with a number of “old friends.”


First, after picking up some wine and delicious bacon (from Jacobs Market of course), I went to visit Steve and Nina. Steve started at K-C the same time that I did, and we were marketing assistants in different departments. While we worked for different bosses and even in different buildings, our jobs were very similar and many a night I would “hang out” with Steve and his wife Nina and their new son Wilson. They were my closest friends in Wisconsin for sure! What is wonderful and hilarious is that I have become “reacquainted” with Wilson as a young high performing business executive over the past few years and really enjoy his company and his fine taste in wine! Steve and Nina were so generous to host me last week, and Nina (once again) cooked a tremendous dinner that included beautiful steaks from Jacobs (of course, do you see a trend??) After a restful night and a good cup of coffee, I headed out to spend time with another old Wisconsin friend, Bruce Paynter.


As some of you know, Bruce was an old boss from K-C who was a very close friend, and who passed away from ALS in 2009. I have written a number of essays about Bruce and you can find them on my blog archive under the heading, “Lessons from Bruce Paynter.” Bruce is still a very strong presence in my thinking and my life; I use his thoughts, principles and sayings in my work/life all the time. Last week I went over to visit his grave, and spend some time with “my old friend.”


Bruce is buried in a beautiful old cemetery near the Fox River in Appleton. The morning was cool and I went and grabbed a coffee at Bruce’s favorite spot on College ave. (ACOCA Coffee) and went and “visited” with Bruce. I spent almost an hour at his grave that morning, remembering Bruce, re-reading a couple of my essays about his dying days, saying a few prayers and walking around “his corner” of the cemetery. It was a wonderful morning and as always I hated to have to “say” goodbye. Leaving Riverside Cemetery, I headed out into the country to visit Bruce’s favorite cheese factory, The Union Star cheese co-op in Zitau Wisconsin. They were packing string cheese that morning and I picked up a few “treats” for my lunch guests and headed back into town.


Lunch was at the Four Seasons Family Restaurant in Neenah and I met up with Marilyn and Donna! The “smile-filled” picture above does not do it justice, but we caught up, told stories, laughed and enjoyed a delicious meal (more on that later) and really enjoyed our time together. They are both doing great and like Steve; I worked with both of these wonderful ladies at K-C starting in 1985. Donna and Marilyn also worked closely with Bruce and both knew him well long after I left Kimberly –Clark. Sadly, we all became “re-connected” at Bruce’s funeral. It was great to share pictures of our families, catching up on acquaintances and a very “small-world” story that included Donna and Jacobs Market and 10 pounds of ground chuck!! I will save that one for another essay but it’s absolutely hilarious! We had a “lively” waitress named Pam who put up with “Bill from Georgia” and gave us extra napkins so Marilyn could avoid the pickles and any pickle juice left on her plate (what a hoot!!) It was a wonderful lunch and I look forward to seeing those two wonderful women again at the Four Seasons on my next trip to the area.



I share all of these visits to highlight the “treasure” of old friends. As you head to my stage of life, 55 years old, a thirty two year career, with one child in college and one a rising junior in high school, its easy to focus on more “earthly” treasures. One’s IRA, or 401k, or maybe the 529 account balances seem to take center stage and while retirement planning and college savings are both vital, I am suggesting that my trip last week is a great reminder that the “deeper treasure” is the love and relationships that we have in our lives. Whether re-connecting with family members, work acquaintances, or a few old friends in Wisconsin, we should all try to focus in on that “treasure” in our lives, and find reasons/excuses to get out of the rat race of a busy life and go spend a day or a lunch with the “treasures” in our lives. I hope that you enjoy your visits with “old friends” as much as I did last week!

Lessons from a Bakersfield Funeral Home

Its amazing at times to reflect on all the unusual/unexpected/unplanned and unintended sources of learning and inspiration that have been part of my life’s journey!  From errant cabdrivers, fellow airline passengers, an aging “dancer,” and literally the list of unusual sources of inspiration go on and on!  Once again, my list of “sources of inspiration” expanded recently after a “chat” with a Director of a Funeral Home in Bakersfield California.

Over the past eight years, I have travelled extensively to Bakersfield.  As the home of Bolthouse Farms, I started working out of “Bako” late in 2009 and have learned the “ins and outs” of the town over the past few years. I have found my favorite Basque restaurant (Noriega’s for sure), my favorite watering hole (The main bar at The Padre Hotel), and my favorite breakfast spot, the 24^th St. Café.  My typical routine is to get up early and check in with my family back in Atlanta (usually around 5am local time.)  After the call, I hit the pavement and get a walk in through the Westchester neighborhood of downtown Bakersfield, and usually hit the 24^th St. Café on my way to the Bolthouse Farms plant on the east side of town.  It was earlier this month, that I crossed paths and shared an amazing breakfast with the director of a major funeral home in Bakersfield.

Sitting at the counter on a dark, rainy January morning, I ordered coffee, eggs and sourdough toast, and got caught up on email.  Soon after a small, immaculately dressed older gentleman came into the café and found a stool two places down from me on the counter.  Dressed in a pressed black suit, crisp white shirt and a red tie, he cut quite a figure that rainy morning!  After exchanging pleasantries and a cheery “happy new year,” he introduced himself (first name Ray), describing that he was in his early 90’s and had been in the “mortuary business” since he was a young man.  Asking about my business, I described my work at Bolthouse Farms and we both complained about the amount of rain (too much) and its impact on all the agriculture in the central valley of California (long term great, short term very challenging).  After ordering his breakfast, Wheatena, brown sugar and coffee, he asked if I wanted to know the “three secrets of success” of the funeral home business.  Not your typical question at 6:30 in the morning, at the counter of the 24^th St. Café, but not missing a beat I said an emphatic YES!

Leaning in close, almost like he didn't want others to hear, he held up three fingers and shared his “secrets:”

        1) “Be Strong:” Ray said that when people lost a loved one, they have experienced a loss and possibly a tragedy and they were weak and vulnerable and needed someone to “be strong” on their behalf.

        2)  “Be Professional:” he shared that the funeral home process was bewildering, foreign and at times scary, and his clients often don't have a clue what to do, thus they needed his “professional leadership.”

        3)   “Never lose your love of life:” being surrounded by death and loss everyday, you were constantly reminded of the value of every day.  Ray said that even on the very bad days, he reminded his staff how fortunate they all were to have the chance to live another day, enjoy life another day, love those special to them for another day, etc.

Inspiring to say the least!!  As I walked out of the café, I wished Ray well, and thought about those three “secrets” and how deeply they connected to my life today. 

“Be Strong;” working with clients across a number of industries, all dealing with challenges and issues, I was tempted at times to “get sucked into” the problems/issues facing their businesses.  While I need to be empathetic, I need to “be strong” and work hard to help my client’s organizations work hard to find solutions/responses to their problems.

“Be Professional:” again this connected to my current consulting work across a number of clients.  Whether a global pharmaceutical company, a fledgling startup, or my old company, all of my clients need me to bring all of my professional capabilities and experience to bear on their projects/problems.  Not discounting the need and importance of building relationships in professional settings, their primary need and expectation of my work was and is deeply professional.

“Never lose your love for life:” this lesson has resonated all across my life, since I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was a young teenager.  Life is precious and fragile, and we have all lost loved ones who passed too early.  I have written a number of essays of my experiences with an old boss and friend, Bruce Paynter, and his battle with ALS and his passing in the summer of 2009. (See more at http://fylegacy.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-return-to-appleton.html). 

I wonder all the time what Bruce would have given to have just one more day, or one more week, and I remind myself not be casual and cavalier with the possibilities and potential of one more healthy day.  A very important daily reminder!

As I mentioned at the outset, another unusual source for a moment of inspiration!  I hope that Ray’s “three secrets of success” ring true in some way for you and you can find a way to apply them to your day-to-day work and life.  The next time you are in Bakersfield, try the 24^th St. café.  You definatetly won't be disappointed by the food and you never know who might be sitting at the counter with you!!

Put on the "Kindness Glasses"

You have to say that it’s been a summer filled with challenging news from across the globe. Thinking about this essay, it is almost overwhelming as I consider the range of conflicts, challenges and disasters that we face today in our global community. It is a clear focus to concentrate on the conflict with ISIS and the beheadings of the two journalists in western Iraq. The active war in eastern Ukraine and the saber rattling of both Russia and NATO bring back pre-cold war fears. The rampant spread of the Ebola virus and the potential for a real global pandemic seems to just be another part of a war and fear ridden summer of 2014. While this essay in no way attempts to handle the geo-political or geo-medical issues at hand, it does attempt to take a small step in another direction.

As many of you know and many have read, I lost a very dear friend, mentor and former boss to ALS in the summer of 2009. Bruce Paynter was one of a kind in so many ways, and my ability to spend some time with him and his family during the final few weeks and months of his life is a treasure that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have written a number of essays about that time, and my many lessons from our visits. (You can find all the essays in the archive to the left near the top of this blog listed as “Lessons from Bruce Paynter.”) Today, I want to reflect back to one idea that Bruce shared in a video that he made a few months before his passing, where he talked about “putting on the kindness glasses.”

Bruce made a video that was shared broadly across his company. In it he shares a number of perspectives and ideas, says thanks to a number of folks, and explains to the organization what was happening in his ordeal with ALS. I keep the video on my desktop and find myself “rewatching” it regularly. Towards the middle of the video, he shares a few pieces of advice that came from his ordeal, one of which was his idea of “putting on the kindness glasses.” He shared that he had been so touched and strengthened by the little gestures of others trying to help him as ALS reduced his capabilities. Whether it was cutting his food or picking up a pencil, it was the “small actions” that meant so much to Bruce. He shares that the disease opened his eyes to the many individuals that are struggling every day, with pain, illness, injury, disability, etc. Finally in the video he shares that we should NEVER underestimate how “a little kindness goes a long way.”


Somehow these words, this small video clip, are central in my mind as I reflect on the challenges facing all of us across the globe. What can I do about ISIS? What is my role in eastern Ukraine? How am I helping stop the spread of Ebola? All questions that seem “answer-less.” Well Bruce’s encouragement does come to mind, and it has hit me that maybe my response to all of these “bigger than life “ crises is to “put on the kindness glasses” in my day to day life. Maybe, just maybe, I can make a little difference in my little world. Maybe it could be in helping an older passenger on my flight this morning to LA lift her roller bag into the overhead compartment. Maybe it’s hailing the rental car bus and giving a family a hand getting all of their things from the curb into the van. Possibly it’s helping a foreign couple with directions to the train connecting concourses in Atlanta. Now I know these are all travel specific, but all three “moments” occurred just this morning as I flew from Atlanta to LA.

As I close I think back to my friend Bruce and am strengthened and encouraged (again) by his thoughts and comments and my memories of those days together. He is so right to encourage all of us to “put on the kindness glasses.” We can all take small actions, probably every day, where someone else just needs a little kindness. The world is SO filled with so much hate and pain and strife and loss and loneliness that it is a clear understatement to say that “the world needs a little kindness!”

p.s. one smile from the summer came from the ALS “ice bucket challenge.” What a phenomenon! I had the “pleasure,” to not only be challenged but to share that challenge with three other dear friends that included three ices buckets being poured over my head by my dear daughter Marie. I will keep that video for another day, ha!!

A Return to Appleton

It’s now been over a month since my dad’s passing, in some ways it’s seems like a long time and in other ways the past month has literally blown by in a blink. My work tempo over the past few weeks has been a bit bewildering, having travelled coast to coast three times with customer meetings in New Orleans, Orlando, Minneapolis, and Atlanta thrown in the midst for good luck. What a month!

Since losing my dad, I have been drawn to make two pilgrimages of sorts, one to my mom’s grave back in Western Pennsylvania and one to my friend Bruce’s grave in Appleton Wisconsin. I don’t know if it’s an urge or desire to reconnect with my memories of those two specific individuals who meant (and mean) a lot to me, or in some way to immerse myself for a few brief moments in reflective physical environments.

Earlier this month I found my way to Appleton, renting a car in that familiar little airport, and heading out to visit familiar sights and old friends. I had a few hours open , so instead of heading straight to the cemetery, I turned south to pay a visit at a charming little cheese factory in Zitau Wisconsin. On one of my last visits before Bruce passed, he wanted to take a drive to see some old sights and to go out to his lake house to pay one last visit. With his advancing stages of ALS, Bruce was well past driving at that time so I loaded him into my car and headed west. Instead of heading straight to the lake house, he directed me to take a rural route which lead us to the Union Star Cheese Cooperative in Zitau. Here I was just a few weeks ago, now over four years since Bruce’s passing, pulling up to that same little cheese factory out in the chilly Wisconsin countryside.

While I was swimming in memories, the woman working behind the counter was diligently packing bags of freshly made cheese curds, a local favorite. With tears in my eyes, I picked up a bag of curds and added a block or two of their aged cheddar, Bruce’s favorite. Here I was having a visceral nostalgic experience and the woman behind the counter, while helpful, had things to do, bags to pack, and a large block of Colby-jack cheese on the counter that needed cutting and wrapping. I quickly paid for my cheese and headed out, back to find my way back to the cemetery in Appleton.

The leaves were turning colors brightly and the trees at the cemetery were beautiful, even on a cool drizzly afternoon. I had picked up some flowers and after cleaning up Bruce’s headstone, I rested the flowers on top and said a prayer. I didn’t want to leave so I started walking around the cemetery which sits on a bluff above the Fox River. Headstones of young children recently passed, of soldiers who fought in our civil war buried in the later 1800’s, of grandparents, and of teenagers all side by side. While I came that day to “visit” Bruce’s grave, I was struck by the expanse of human history surrounding me in that beautiful cemetery.

Later that afternoon I visited with dear old friends Steve and Nina, and the next day enjoyed a great breakfast with two other dear friends Donna and Marilyn who worked with Bruce and I at Kimberly Clark in the late 1980’s. Each conversation was precious, thinking back on times past but more importantly catching up on life today; the latest updates on kids and grandkids, challenges at work and at church, plans for the upcoming holidays and future vacations, etc.

I had come back to Appleton to take a moment of reflection as I mourn the passing of my father, and while I certainly had a number of “reflective moments”, I left Wisconsin thinking about my life and the busy road ahead. I was so anxious to get home and see Jennie, Bryson and Marie and get caught up on the latest developments with homework, board meetings, play rehearsals, chorus concerts, etc. Just like the lady at the cheese factory, there were things to do, errands to be run, happiness and sadness to experience, tears and laughter to enjoy/ endure, in other terms there was life to be lived!

My continuing “takeway” as I reflect on all those who have passed before us, (those dear to me and a multitude unknown) is that life is precious and fragile and that life is to be lived NOW, not in some future, post-graduation/post-marriage/post-children/post-debt/post-retirement fantasy but NOW, today, this week, not someday but NOW!

The Legacy of Bruce

Some say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In some circumstances this may be true. Most often for me, the sincerest form of flattery turns out to be storytelling. I don’t try to imitate those individuals who I most fondly remember and love the most; I try to keep them “alive” by recounting their lives and lessons through story. You may have read about my Aunt Lorraine and “Lorraine’s Law,” or my grandmother (MaMa) and her “Turkey Bag” story. Both are great examples of stories about two important women from my life: my Aunt who is very much alive, and my Grandmother, who passed away more than ten years ago.
I share these ideas as I reflect back on the passing of my dear friend Bruce Paynter, who passed away a year ago today after a gallant fight with ALS. As I think back over the year, I am reminded of how many different moments I have thought about or spoken about Bruce. In a strange way, Bruce has been very present for me (and with me) over the past year and in some perspective I have been more present with him than in some of the years before his passing.
I have thought often about his conversations with me before he passed, some at his home, some from his hospital bed at the hospice facility. Not only have I written about them on this blog, but I have archived these essays in a group that you can find by clicking on the archive link to the left and scrolling down for the group of essays listed under ”Inspirations of Bruce.” Just this past weekend, I shared his thoughts on ”Communities Matter” with a group of friends. Take a look for yourself and see what connections you make to his thoughts and comments.
What also has been amazing over the past year is how many varied groups I have spoken to about Bruce: groups with nothing in common, and no previous connection to Bruce, his hometown of Appleton Wisconsin, or his company Kimberly- Clark. For a cab driver in Bakersfield California, a CEO in West Des Moines, Iowa, a group of non-profit executives in Atlanta, or a chamber of commerce luncheon gathering in Lufkin Texas, Bruce has come alive to a wide variety of audiences over the past year! In every case, the “stories” about his life lessons have touched the varied audiences deeply. In more than one instance, my “stories” about Bruce have triggered others to talk about friends or family members who they have lost, some even from ALS. These moments of real connection are not only the outcome of “stories” and conversations; they are the very real and tangible impact or “Legacy” of Bruce.
My hope is that you take a moment and think about a friend, a family member, or even an old boss and reflect on the lessons that you have learned from their lives. As these thoughts or “stories” come to mind, don’t just hold them close to your heart, share them with others. I think you will be pleasantly surprised how many people can be touched by those stories.
I share these thoughts today primarily to recognize and celebrate a dear old friend. I can’t believe that it has been twelve months since his passing. I think about Bruce all the time and am just one of many who miss him very much.

Living without Regret

In the last of the three conversations that I had recently with my friend Bruce (who passed late last week), we talked about the idea of "living without regret."  This conversation was a little different from the other two because this question/topic was on my mind and I wanted to get Bruce's opinion of the question... "how did he think about the concept of "regret" and did he have any insights about living life as best we can without it?"  No small question!  After just a few moments he started talking about the concept of "regret", and how he was thinking about it at that time, just a few weeks before he passed from us.   He talked about that "regret" was a trap, and could be dangerous, because while we have an infinite ability to affect tomorrow, we have an equally significant inability to affect yesterday. That "regret" can make you inactive, pondering the "should have's/could have's/would have's" of life rather than trying to make tomorrow better than yesterday.  He talked about how he felt little regret as he looked over his life and that if he had any, it would be in those relationships in his life that he never told people who were important to him just how important they were.  He asked me whether there were people in my life who I cared about that might not know it.  He paused, gave me a penetrating stare, and said "do something about that.... today!"

As I reflect about this conversation, I keep thinking about what he wasn't talking about.  He didn't regret not taking a certain trip, or buying some specific car, or achieving some title at work.  He focused on relationships, between the people that matter in our lives.  Not only does this ring true deeply in my heart, I was reminded about a conversation that I had with my grandmother almost 11 years ago.  I wrote about it in the first post on this blog titled "Legacy", but as she reached her life's end, she didn't want to talk about the "stuff and things" of life, just the relationships.  True for MaMa, true for Bruce!

I hope that over the past few weeks and months,through a few entries in this blog,  that you have gotten a little glimpse into my friend Bruce.  I have learned a lot from him over the years and I am certain that I will continue to learn a lot from him, his life, and his lessons, in the years ahead.  I hope you have, and you will, too!

Bill